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The Spiritual Guilt Around Pleasure

Recently, I started learning jazz piano.

And somehow… it has made me unexpectedly emotional.

I studied classical piano for almost ten years growing up.
Classical music taught me discipline, precision, structure, and practice.

For a long time, I became very good at:
following the notes,
doing things correctly,
trying to become better.

But jazz feels different.

Jazz does not seem to ask:
“Can you perfect this?”

It asks:
“Can you feel this?”
“Can you trust yourself here?”
“Can you play?”

Sometimes my teacher will say:
“Just play around with it.”

And every time I hear that, something inside me pauses.

Because I suddenly realize:
for a very long time in my life, I did not really know how to play.

I knew how to work hard.
I knew how to care for people.
I knew how to hold space.
I knew how to observe myself carefully.

But joy?
Playfulness?
Pleasure?
Fun?

Those felt more unfamiliar.

Recently, I also started learning Feminine dance and Afro dance.

And honestly… standing in front of the mirror at 45 years old, awkwardly trying to move my body in new ways, sometimes makes me laugh.

But it is a real laugh.

It feels like some younger part of me, who had quietly disappeared for a long time, is slowly coming back.

And strangely, this has not made me feel farther away from myself.

It has made me feel more alive.

Still, I noticed a quiet fear inside me.

A voice asking:
“Is this still spiritual?”
“Should a mindfulness teacher care this much about beauty?”
“About music, movement, silky blouses, pleasure, dance, nail polish?”

Part of me worried that maybe I was drifting away from the practice.

But lately, something softer and wiser has been unfolding in me.

I think somewhere along the way, I unconsciously started associating spirituality with becoming smaller.

More restrained.
More detached.
Less expressive.
Less human.

And now I wonder if true mindfulness may also include learning how to fully inhabit our lives.

Not losing ourselves in endless pleasure or unconscious escape.

But also not being afraid of aliveness.

Not being afraid of beauty.
Or creativity.
Or joy.
Or our own humanity.

I think many sensitive people carry a quiet guilt around pleasure.

Especially women.

Many of us learned how to become:
responsible,
good,
emotionally attuned,
helpful,
self sacrificing.

But not necessarily how to relax into joy without guilt.

Sometimes we become so focused on healing that we forget life is also meant to be lived.

And maybe that is why jazz piano touches me so deeply right now.

Because jazz is teaching me something meditation alone could not fully teach me:

how to trust the moment without controlling it.

How to listen instead of perfecting.

How to participate in life instead of always standing outside observing it.

Maybe awakening is not about becoming less human.

Maybe it is about finally feeling safe enough to be fully human.

To love.
To dance.
To laugh.
To enjoy beauty.
To feel alive in our own lives again.

Not because pleasure will save us.

But because life is here too.

And perhaps part of healing is learning that we are allowed to enjoy being alive.

Warmly,
Caroline

關於「快樂」的靈性罪惡感

最近，我開始學 Jazz Piano。

很奇妙的是，這件事竟然讓我有點想哭。

我從小學了將近十年的古典鋼琴。
古典音樂教會我很多事情。

紀律。
努力。
精準。
把事情做好。

很多年裡，我都很習慣：
照著譜走。
把音彈對。
把自己練到夠好。

但 Jazz 很不一樣。

Jazz 不太在乎你有沒有「完美」。

它更像是在問你：

「你敢不敢感受？」
「你敢不敢自由？」
「你敢不敢只是活著？」

有時候老師會對我說：

「Just play around with it.」

只是玩玩看。

而每次聽到這句話，我心裡都會有一種很深的震動。

因為我突然發現：

原來我人生有很長一段時間，並不太會「玩」。

我很會努力。
很會照顧別人。
很會覺察。
很會承擔。

但我不太確定，自己有沒有真的允許過自己：

輕鬆地快樂。

最近，我也開始學高跟鞋舞蹈、Afro Dance。

45 歲的我，站在鏡子前面，看著自己有點笨拙地扭動身體，有時候甚至會忍不住笑出來。

但那種笑，很真。

好像某個沉睡很久的小女孩，終於偷偷跑回來了。

而有趣的是，這份快樂並沒有讓我離靈性更遠。

反而讓我更靠近自己。

可是，我內心其實有過掙扎。

有個聲音會偷偷問我：

「真正修行的人，會這麼喜歡美嗎？」
「會擦指甲油嗎？」
「會喜歡絲質襯衫嗎？」
「會喜歡音樂、舞蹈、感官、浪漫與 pleasure 嗎？」

我甚至有點害怕：

是不是自己離修行越來越遠了？

但最近，我開始慢慢明白一件事。

也許，我過去誤以為：
靈性，就是把自己變得越來越淡。

越來越沒有慾望。
越來越不像人。
越來越安靜。
越來越克制。

可是現在的我開始覺得：

真正的修行，也許不是把生命壓小。

而是終於願意完整地活進生命裡。

不是放縱。
不是逃避。
不是失控。

而是帶著覺知地去感受：

音樂流進身體的感覺。
跳舞時心臟微微發熱的感覺。
穿上喜歡衣服時，那種「啊，我今天好像活過來了」的感覺。

我想，很多敏感又善良的人，都有一種很深的「快樂罪惡感」。

尤其是女人。

我們太習慣當一個：
懂事的人。
體貼的人。
成熟的人。
照顧大家的人。

久而久之，連快樂都開始小心翼翼。

彷彿太快樂，是不成熟。
太享受，是不夠修行。
太有生命力，會不會就不夠清醒。

可是最近的我，開始有另一種感覺。

也許真正的清醒，不是遠離生命。

而是終於敢好好地活著。

Jazz Piano 最近一直在教我：

不需要每一個音都完美。
有時候，真正動人的，是那些帶著呼吸、帶著感情、帶著自由的音。

也許人生也是。

也許我們來到這個世界，不只是為了變成一個「很好的人」。

也不是為了永遠控制自己。

也許我們也是來學習：

如何溫柔地享受活著。

如何在覺知裡愛。
在覺知裡跳舞。
在覺知裡笑。
在覺知裡，允許自己再次充滿生命力。

而最近的我，正在慢慢學這件事。

重新學會：

享受人生。